I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
