i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
