Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
