Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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