cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
