in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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