we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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