Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
