Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
