mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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