So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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