You're my little dorito
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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