I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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