im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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