I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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