if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
