Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
