you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
