dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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