You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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