Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
