I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I skipped work to stalk him.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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