Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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