my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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