I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
