my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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