i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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