my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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