Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
