I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
