i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
