remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize