the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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