Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
