He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
