I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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