and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
