Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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