i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
