he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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