Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Quick, to the slutcave!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
