you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
