that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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