A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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