I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
