It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
