Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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