You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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