I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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