my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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