either way he was missing a nipple.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize