He disabled his match.com account in front of me
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
