What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
