i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Randomize
