So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
