i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
